Sometimes Slack is as simple as finding a shady spot to park and sit for two hours (on the clock @ w°rk reading til the next customer is available.

So what/when/how/why are these Zoom meetings Rev. Stang keeps talking about?

Thus, I was enlightened. My gastrointestinal opening was being blessed by the Forces and feces were finally starting to rear their end out of my tight, TIGHT anus. I surprised myself, wondering "What's thicker, my shit or "Bob"'s cock?" and felt sorry for Connie, but quickly remembered that it is not my place to contenplate such matters. I was being purged - it was Dobbsly. The cats, they looked at me, as if declaring "Do you get it now, asshole?" Shamefully, I must admit, I do.

And above all else, do not base your self-fulfilment on whether you managed or not to take a shit this morning. The litter box that is Gaea, the World, is there, and she's waiting. Do not disappoint her, don't come before her visage with your half-assed excretions. You'll be ready when you're ready, and when you are, you shall leave behind a Great Dump, and it shall be Poepic. Praise J. R. "Bob" Dobbs and his anus-widening teachings!

Then the recipe went from "Cover each piece well in breadcrumbs and shallow fry the pussy in oil" to "The END IS NEAR! WAKE UP BRIGHTEYES, YOU ARE WRONG!" Of course, it was starting to make some bobdamned sense. These creatures were not put on this rot-green Earth to taunt, they were here to teach! Do not forget to lick your balls, even when they are no longer attatched to your person. Do not tolerate a half-empty bowl, for it is a sign of doom ensured. Do not, oh sinful ones, chase the red dot.

"The best way to eat a young pussy is to whip up two raw eggs, place the pussy into the egg and ensure it is well covered," suggested Dr. Legume. The cats were getting anxious, I could tell. Good. Remember who's the superior food-tube, animals! And yet, despite my revenge fantasy, I was the one whose intestines were in painful need of emptying, while the lesser ones, the four-legged happy dumbshits, were clearly enjoying a life of pure, unsullied Slack. By Dobbs, I was being tested!

There I was, sitting on the loo in quadruple half-zazen (of the Noble Eight-Fold Path, adjusted for inflation), and "Bob" was letting me know there's an obvious solution to all of my problems. The irony was so pungent it almost drowned out the spicy pstench of cat shit. "Make fun of me, will you?", I raved as dreams of succulent meat of the Felis genus imbued my subgenius brain with feel-good juices. That would surely cure my constipation, AND teach these fluffy fuckers a lesson!

Guess I won't be giving any shit, for I am constipated. I curse the gods what struck me with this terrible affliction, and glare at my furry followers. I regard them, my faithful feline fanatics and their effortless defecation, with jealousy and suspicion, and decide that they've taunted me for the last time. "Every day there are more people born into an already overcrowded world. Soon may come the day when you must eat pussy or starve." Hopefully that gets their attention, the wee little cunts.

Printed out some Stark Fist of Removal that I spied on to lecture before my followers during Excremeditation, while they perform their own sacraments in the litter box.
One of my two disciples was licking at what used to be his balls - now, a sad memory of another life, a life before "Bob". The other just stared quadrupedally out the window. Here I open the holy document to be greeted by bold, hideously decorated letters: "How to Eat Pussy", by Dr. Legume. Dunno, you had to be there.

new prayer dropped, in which are explored the origins of Dr. L. Dextromethorphaniel LeHoczki, Brother 1st Class

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"Grinning, firm handshake.
Sucking his pipe, strange salesman!
I now own a car." - the last Haiku written by Anton "Legless" Brightman before he starved to death in his car which he couldn't drive due to his disability.

I'm a SubGenious!
I spell with my penis,
I read with my glasses
and speed up my ass as
my ears start bleedin'
and my Gnostril breathin'
in the Pstench of Greed and
the Farts of Freedom,
my eyes start a-burnin'
from the Smoke of Unlearning,
my glands start a-growin'
some grass of their own,
I scream in pleasure,
in torture I moan,
I worship both "Bob"
and the O.B.O.
Some say I ain't sane,
some wish it were so...
I'm the SubGenious
spelled with an O!


O Unholy Mutant Jesus
Lo, Thou art so very High
Wouldst thou spare us, if it pleases
You, so we may glorify
Your malignant names, and witness
Your malicious pseudonyms
Like Jehovah's Favorite Mistress
And The One with Many Limbs

O, spare us!

When Your clenchèd fist of vengeance
Crushes all the sinful Pinks
Welcome us in bless'd transcendence
So that we revel in drinks
And in merry fornication
With Your goddesses and gods
Thus was said in Revelation
Thus shall be against all odds!

O, spare us!

OK, recently ordained n00b question here. Is there any way, legal or otherwise, to acquire Revelation X, the Psychlopedia, the dobbscomics or any other out-of-print agitprop?

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Church of the SubGenius Members-Only MastoDobbs.